Kimberly Lang

Battling the Grammar Gremlins

Introduction

Kimberly Lang

Quick, name the nine rules governing comma usage.

Could you do it? No? Did you even try?

Good. That was actually a trick question, since there aren’t nine rules. The number of “rules” can vary depending on which grammar book you’re using. My current grammar handbook lists ten rules, but rule number ten is “to prevent confusion,” which kind of muddies the first nine and throws everything into question. So do we just ignore them, pretend the rules don’t exist, or (my personal favorite) just stick commas in wherever “it feels right?”

After all, the editor will sort all that grammar stuff out later, right? It’s her job, after all, and you’re too busy communing with your muse to bother with picky ol’ grammar rules.

Wrong.

Good grammar isn’t just for English teachers and editors. It’s for everyone. Yes, even you. I remember a conference with a student where he wanted to argue over a less-than-stellar grade on his essay. He couldn’t understand why the grade was so low when the content was good, and he’d covered the basics of the assignment. I looked at the paper, bloodied with the ink of three pens because the grammar was so bad, and told him, “I don’t care if you have the cure for cancer buried in there—no one is going to wade through that garbage to find it.”

And that, my friends, is the heart of the matter. You can have the most engaging characters, the freshest plot, and the sharpest hook in the universe, but no editor will ever get past page two if the grammar is bad. I’m not saying that one comma splice will kick you straight to the reject pile—we all make simple, stupid mistakes—but consistent problems with verb or pronoun agreement, awkward syntax, and random, absent, or haphazard punctuation will drive anyone insane and get your manuscript returned faster than you can say “Strunk and White.”

Have you ever had a contest judge or critique partner tell you (nicely or not) that you need to work on “basic grammar,” or that your grammar problems are “getting in the way of your story?” Does Grammar Check put hundreds of little green lines under phrases in your manuscript, and you aren’t sure why? If so, you probably need to devote some time to the serious study of grammar. Maybe you have the basics, but you just need to figure out the comma rules or the proper care and feeding of a semicolon. Either way, you must identify your grammar gremlins before you can battle them.

Your first step is to buy a good grammar handbook (also called a Style Manual). Some of my favorites are Diana Hacker’s A Writer’s Reference (0-312-40161-2), LaGuardia and Guth’s The Access Handbook (0-205-28620-8), and Keene and Adams’s Easy Access (0-7674-2189-2), but there are hundreds more. Choose one designed for college students, as it will break down the grammar rules into easy-to-find and easy-to-digest chunks and identify the most common errors. Because students (mistakenly) sell them off after they finish English 101, you can find them dirt-cheap on sites like half.com. It’s a good investment, and every writer should have at least one handbook on her desk for quick reference. (Lynn Truss’s Eats, Shoots and Leaves is also fantastic, but it only covers punctuation. She’s also British, and while she does distinguish between British and American rules, getting into that melee may be confusing to some. It’s also not as easy to use as a quick reference as the handbooks above.)

If you aren’t sure what your problems are or where to begin, you may need to enlist the aid of a professional. If you happen to know an English teacher or editor, and you know she’ll be completely honest with you, ask her to help you identify your grammar gremlins. If you don’t happen to have an English teacher or editor in your address book, call the local university or community college. Ask for the email addresses of some of the English 101 instructors. Contact them individually and ask if they’d be willing to review ten pages and mark them for grammar problems. That type of honest feedback will show you what kinds of problems you have and how often they occur. Once you know what your problems are, you can use your handbook to figure out how to fix them.

**A note about contacting instructors and asking them to review your work for grammar problems. Don’t expect them to do it for free. Marking papers is hard work, so be sure to offer to pay for their time and expertise. Two or three dollars a page should be enough, and isn’t a $20-30 investment in your basic skills worth it? Also, I’d avoid asking university professors to do this. I know, it makes sense to go straight to the top of the pile (so to speak), but most professors have too many other things to do and will, at best, refer you to an instructor or graduate student. Part-time and adjunct instructors have hideously small salaries and need the gas money.

Now that you know what your grammar gremlins are, you must battle them. Ruthlessly. This requires commitment and effort on your part. Identifying the problem is only the first step. If you have problems with pronouns and antecedents, then check every pronoun. Is it a subject or object pronoun? Does it agree with its antecedent? Have you misused the reflexive? With a conscious effort, you’ll be able to conquer most grammar problems in a couple of weeks. (Yes, really. Grammar isn’t rocket science, folks.)

Some grammar gremlins seem impossible to slay. I’m an English teacher, and I have a few of my own. My ugliest gremlin? Using a comma to separate a compound verb. I know it’s wrong. I know why it’s wrong, and I know how to fix it. Yet, for some reason, my first drafts are littered with unnecessary commas prying apart a perfectly good sentence. Unfortunately, Grammar Checker doesn’t flag it. I have to go on a seek-and-destroy mission and weed the ugly things out, one by one. So don’t get disheartened if you slip up after you’ve worked so hard to improve your grammar. Habits are hard to break, but knowing to double-check yourself means editors won’t ever see that gremlin’s ugly face.

Remember, grammar is good. Really. Stop laughing. Grammar provides the rules that make your prose easy to read and easy to understand. Good grammar allows your engaging characters and fresh plot to shine though. Good grammar lets the editor hear your voice and be swept away by your story. That’s what you want, right?

To help you in your battle, I’ll be doing a series of short articles in the coming months identifying some of the common grammar gremlins and showing how to slay them. While many of these will be my pet peeves, please let me know if you have a gremlin you’d like to see skewered here. I’ll do my best.

Until then, remember: Grammar is the logic of speech. (Richard C. Trench)